I didn’t want to write this post. It hurts to write and I don’t want to bring you all down with my sadness. I couldn’t bring myself to write any happy posts though, pretending everything’s ok and sunshiny when it isn’t. Sometimes a personal blog has to get quite personal.
Molly’s breathing got worse on Tuesday night – so bad that if I had had a vet to hand I would have let her go right then. I took her outside into the fresh air and it got a bit better, she was more comfortable but she wouldn’t let me hold her or stroke her so she must have been quite uncomfortable still.
We rang the vet first thing Wednesday and arranged an appointment. 10am. I had an hour with her. We cuddled her as much as she would let us and pressed her paws into a slab of clay. It was devastating saying goodbye, she didn’t want any love, it was almost like she was blaming us, me, while we were waiting for the final minute. She went very peacefully, no fuss, no bother just as she was in life. I had forgotten how quick it would be. The vet was lovely and reassuring – she wouldn’t have got better no matter what we did and it was better to do it when she wasn’t in too much distress and wasn’t frightened. The hardest thing is reconciling yourself to the fact that you ‘did the right thing’. After all, you can’t ask them, and looking into that forever trusting face knowing what is going to happen is heartbreaking all over again.
I still expect her to be sat on the sofa when I walk in, and am full of disappointment and sadness when she doesn’t follow me into the garden. She always acted like our mother – following us to make sure we didn’t stray too far and leaping on our laps when we were upset.
She was the ugliest cat I’ve ever seen, she looked a bit like Gollem, but to me she was beautiful and will be sadly missed. She left such a tiny physical imprint. No wardrobe to empty, no letters to read. But the hole she left in our hearts is huge.
I could write so much more but I’m going to stop, I’m just upsetting myself. I just wanted to add a huge thank you for everyone’s kind messages and prayers, they have been a big help at such a sad time.